WHEN I SAY NO I FEEL GUILTY

Back in the 1980's I was always game to read another pop psychology book. In 1985, the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty"  was published. Over the years I have often referred to this book, or at least what I remember of it, and 25 years later it is still relevant.

The other day, I was chatting with a friend, who was trying to extricate himself from a group, that for him was no longer serving its purpose. When we were talking, he was mentioning about how this was going to be a really difficult discussion with his team mates and he was concerned about backlash, from people, who were, after many years, friends. He was trying to figure out what he would say when he was asked "Why?", and how to handle the anticipated barrage and disappointment.

Why should you say anything, I asked, beyond this being something that you need to do for yourself at this point in time. No other explanation required, regardless of someone's entreaties to the contrary. "I need to do this," period. That's it. That's all. Otherwise you can be driven down the rabbit-hole of justification, which can lead to a hostile discussion, and allow the other party to challenge you with every point that you make.

We are taught from very early on, that if we say no, we have to give multiple explanations, even for minor things. And if we don't, we do feel guilty. Somehow we haven't lived up to some mythical standard.  

We can end up going down this rabbit-hole even with simple things.

"Thanks for the invite but I don't want to go out tonight."

"Why? Come on, you'll have a good time."

"Thanks, but no."

"Come on, you have to give me a better reason than that."

And now the explanations, rationalizations, and lies  start....

"I have a headache" or "I have to wash my hair" or .....

We have to give ourselves permission, just to say no. We don't need to feel obligated to explain our decisions to others (well, Ok, if you are leaving a relationship or marriage, you can't just say "because", but that's a different situation).

So just think about things today, or tomorrow, or the next day, that you don't want to do, or a situation you need to extricate from, and think about the myriad of reasons you are baking up to offer to others. And then ask yourself why?

They don't need to know the whys. All they need to know this is something you need to do. And if they are truly interested in you, they won't press you. They will just accept your decision, because they trust you. And as a corollary, stop asking others the why of their decision as well.

Try saying no and stop. You will find it is truly liberating!