PERSISTENCE VS. STALKING AND COMMON COURTESY

Either professionally or personally we have all been in this situation. You've had a great meeting, interview, or date with a potential client, or employer, or future date prospect. You leave this get together, excited about the next steps and possibilities. You email or text, or call and leave a message, and then you wait.

And wait.

And wait.

You check your spam folder, wondering whether somehow the "looking forward to getting together again" email from the other party got inadvertently caught in the spam filter. When you find it hasn't then you wonder did it get spammed out on their side. 

So you email asking for a confirmation of receipt, perhaps followed up with a text, or another voice mail. And again you hear nothing.

You wonder how could it be that things seemed to be clicking on all cylinders between you and that client, employer or date, and then you don't hear anything from them. You begin to wonder whether you had misinterpreted the excellence of the get together, or whether the other person had been beamed up by space aliens.

You decide to leave it alone for a week, and then you reassert your pursuit. You are being persistent, showing your interest, which you deem to be important. You hit *70 on your phone, so that your number won't show up on call display, because you don't want to be seen as desperate. You probably email one more time and then wonder again, what went wrong. Anything more than this might put you in stalker territory!

Personally, I have always been courteous to others. I like to live by the Golden Rule of "do unto others as you would have done unto you."  So I will always take the time to respond. 

Sometimes delays are due to other priorities that have inserted themselves into one's life. Sometimes, although you were a great candidate for a job, the next person interviewed was even better, or perhaps the powers-that-be put that particular job on hold, pending some other decisions. In regards to personal relationships -- well, your guess is as good as mine!

Regardless of the situation, it is common decency to inform the other party as to the situation. Perhaps it is just a note, acknowledging the message, and saying things are still in flux and you should have a better idea of direction within a few weeks. Indicate that if he/she hasn't heard back from you in a few weeks to feel free to connect and ask again.

Or perhaps the individual misread that there would be next steps or further discussion. Again it is common courtesy to advise them of this as well, so that they can move on. 

I have been in the situation of being persistent (borderline stalker) and perhaps that is why I do get back to people. It just takes a few minutes to demonstrate your humanity, understanding and common courtesy, which unfortunately is much too often missing in today's society.

UNPLUG..WAIT 10 SECONDS…PLUG BACK IN AND EVERYTHING SHOULD WORK

Whenever one has problems with anything electronic, from computers, to digital boxes, routers and the like, the standard line from the technical support is "Unplug the equipment, wait 10 seconds. OK, now plug it back in. Now check to see if everything is working."  And like magic, 90% of the time this fixes the issue. 

The mystery of the electronic reboot, is truly no mystery at all. When one enables the shutdown of all extraneous "stuff" (yes, that's my technical term) that is running in the background, which is not required, and interferes with the basic functioning of the equipment. When it restarts, it is cleansed of all that is unnecessary, and you go happily on your way, until the next time it gets "gummed" up.

I was wondering the other day, after once again needing to do this "reboot" of one of my electronics, how this would work with our relationships, both personally and professionally. When things somehow go off the rails, or things are said or done which cause one to be "stuck", how cool would it be to unplug, wait 10 seconds, and plug back in!

Obviously I'm talking figuratively here, because putting your finger in an electric socket would cause a different type of reboot! Think of all the "stuff" you have running in the background (your brain) when having an interaction with someone. All these little synapses firing, sometimes help, but other times not so much. When in interactions that are difficult, or conflict oriented, we may cloud our judgement based on what happened with someone else 5 minutes ago, due to past history of a similar kind, assumptions which may be totally off the mark, and other reasons. (I wrote another blog on this "Misinterpreting the Message"). 

Just like a piece of electronics, there is extraneous "stuff" running in the background, directing our actions, sometimes with mixed results.

So think about what a difference it may make for you to look at an interaction from a blank slate perspective. 

So unplug, wait 10 seconds, and plug back in. Should work 90% of the time! 

MISINTERPRETING THE MESSAGE

"There are no facts, only interpretations"

                              ....Friedrich Nietzsche

Have you ever been surprised when you have said something to someone, either professionally or personally, and you find out later that somehow along the way that the intent of your message was totally misinterpreted? You think that your message was obvious, or that "of course he/she would know I was joking," or you say something as a throw-away line, which basically means nothing and the other person wonders what you truly meant?

The Nietzsche quote could be equally about communication as about facts, because each of the 7 billion plus people in the world will have had a different life experience and will interpret words and meanings based on that history. 

To illustrate this point, answer the following question

• How many animals of each species did Moses bring on the ark?

..and finish this phrase:

• A bird in the hand is worthless.....

If you answered (2) to the first question and "two in the bush" for the second, you have a lot of company. In my experience more that 70% provide these wrong answers. Firstly, Moses had tablets, not an ark (that was Noah's thing) and secondly, the phrase is A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, not "less."

We are in a hurry, and we assume that we already know what the answer is, so we don't focus on the whole sentence. We rush to judgement on what it truly means. I often use these examples in my presentations, as indicative of Scotoma -- the proverbial "blind spot". Simply, it is a sensory locking out of our environment based on our prior experience and or expectation. 

If you expand this to your daily communications whether personally or professionally, you can see how this can end up being problematic. And as a species, we are a pretty egocentric lot, we know what we meant by what we said, and as such we believe that the recipient of our words will of course understand them clearly. Unfortunately, more often than not, this is not the case.

And sometimes based on what we think we heard, we will go off and ruminate about what the true meaning was, look for hidden agendas, and work ourselves into a tizzy because we didn't or wouldn't approach the messenger to clarify, and ensure that both of you are on the same page. I have done this (I'm a world-class ruminator) only to find out later that I was totally wrong in my interpretation, and I have also been surprised by how someone else has construed a conversation. (I addressed some aspects of this on a guest blog I wrote It's Not Easy Taking the High Road).

I get it. We filter a lot of the communication that we get because let's face it, sometimes the volume is overwhelming. Yet it comes back to the often lost art of listening attentively and probing on words or comments that make us wonder about the meaning or perhaps make us feel uncomfortable.

So today, practice active  listening. Remove the "blind spot" -- making an assumption that you "know" what the meaning is or what is going to be said. "Check in" with those who are receiving your message, to ensure that they have heard what you meant to say. If you are speaking with someone and they say something and you find yourself unsure of its meaning, and/or it has made you feel uncomfortable in any way, "ask and repeat". Say this is what I heard, is this what you meant?

It is a lot better to clarify and understand than go up the mountain of rumination. You'll be happier for it. 

MINDFUL LISTENING

When someone is talking to you, are you truly listening? Are you in the present, attempting to understand the entire message that is being communicated? Are you listening to the words, the intonation, the body language, and also what is not being said? And depending on the type of conversation that is going on, as a person is half way through their entreaty, are you already formulating your response and thus perhaps missing the latter half on the message?

In this ever challenging "get 'er done" environment, while being bombarded with all sorts of outside stimuli, it is difficult to be "in the moment." 

I have to admit, that for me, this is something that I continually work on because it is tough! 

I believe part of the reason is the way we are taught in school. When my son was younger, there was a continual commentary on his report cards that said "should participate more in class." His report cards were otherwise stellar, but there was always this niggling comment. One year, his dad and I pressed him on this point and said "What is holding you back from participating more? Are you afraid or what is it?" 

His answer was a lesson for both of us. He said "You know, when the teacher asks a question, I hear it, think about what the best answer would be, and then I would be ready to put up my hand. But by that time, it seems that the teacher has moved on. Others have answered with something. So I never get a chance to participate." He had learned to actively listen, reflect, and come up with a contemplated answer, but alas, to late for the hurry-up world. And you know what? We just accepted the non-participation comments after that, because we knew that his approach is something that everyone should adopt.

When someone is talking to you -- a friend,  a member of your team, a colleague, a family member, a partner, your boss, a supplier, your customer, etc. -- are you truly listening to what they are telling you? Are you paying attention to the words they are using, and not assuming that the words mean the same to you, as they do to them?  Is there eye contact? At what point do they look away? What is their body language saying? Is it consistent with the words? And what might they not be saying? There is a reason for the old adage "Read between the lines."

If we could learn to not miscommunicate, I think we will have found the recipe for world peace, don't you think? 

To mindfully listen, you have to understand the total person with whom you are having a discussion. Get rid of what you may perceive that they want to say, or forget about what you perceive to be their reality. Understand their reality, by tuning in and tuning out the rest of what's going on. Don't assume you already know. And probe, ask questions to clarify, to ensure complete understanding. And then answer. When you truly listen, people feel important and taken care of. They don't feel threatened. They feel inspired and empowered. They feel understood. And by the way, it is OK, to say to the person, "this is what I think you are saying." Validate vs. assume.

Miscommunication has tanked many relationships, whether business or personal.

This is an ongoing development task for us all. And it's not easy, let me tell you. I've been truly trying to perfect it ever since my son enlightened me when he was nine and I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be. 

And oh, he is now twenty, and I'm still working on it!