MISINTERPRETING THE MESSAGE

"There are no facts, only interpretations"

                              ....Friedrich Nietzsche

Have you ever been surprised when you have said something to someone, either professionally or personally, and you find out later that somehow along the way that the intent of your message was totally misinterpreted? You think that your message was obvious, or that "of course he/she would know I was joking," or you say something as a throw-away line, which basically means nothing and the other person wonders what you truly meant?

The Nietzsche quote could be equally about communication as about facts, because each of the 7 billion plus people in the world will have had a different life experience and will interpret words and meanings based on that history. 

To illustrate this point, answer the following question

• How many animals of each species did Moses bring on the ark?

..and finish this phrase:

• A bird in the hand is worthless.....

If you answered (2) to the first question and "two in the bush" for the second, you have a lot of company. In my experience more that 70% provide these wrong answers. Firstly, Moses had tablets, not an ark (that was Noah's thing) and secondly, the phrase is A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, not "less."

We are in a hurry, and we assume that we already know what the answer is, so we don't focus on the whole sentence. We rush to judgement on what it truly means. I often use these examples in my presentations, as indicative of Scotoma -- the proverbial "blind spot". Simply, it is a sensory locking out of our environment based on our prior experience and or expectation. 

If you expand this to your daily communications whether personally or professionally, you can see how this can end up being problematic. And as a species, we are a pretty egocentric lot, we know what we meant by what we said, and as such we believe that the recipient of our words will of course understand them clearly. Unfortunately, more often than not, this is not the case.

And sometimes based on what we think we heard, we will go off and ruminate about what the true meaning was, look for hidden agendas, and work ourselves into a tizzy because we didn't or wouldn't approach the messenger to clarify, and ensure that both of you are on the same page. I have done this (I'm a world-class ruminator) only to find out later that I was totally wrong in my interpretation, and I have also been surprised by how someone else has construed a conversation. (I addressed some aspects of this on a guest blog I wrote It's Not Easy Taking the High Road).

I get it. We filter a lot of the communication that we get because let's face it, sometimes the volume is overwhelming. Yet it comes back to the often lost art of listening attentively and probing on words or comments that make us wonder about the meaning or perhaps make us feel uncomfortable.

So today, practice active  listening. Remove the "blind spot" -- making an assumption that you "know" what the meaning is or what is going to be said. "Check in" with those who are receiving your message, to ensure that they have heard what you meant to say. If you are speaking with someone and they say something and you find yourself unsure of its meaning, and/or it has made you feel uncomfortable in any way, "ask and repeat". Say this is what I heard, is this what you meant?

It is a lot better to clarify and understand than go up the mountain of rumination. You'll be happier for it. 

MINDFUL LISTENING

When someone is talking to you, are you truly listening? Are you in the present, attempting to understand the entire message that is being communicated? Are you listening to the words, the intonation, the body language, and also what is not being said? And depending on the type of conversation that is going on, as a person is half way through their entreaty, are you already formulating your response and thus perhaps missing the latter half on the message?

In this ever challenging "get 'er done" environment, while being bombarded with all sorts of outside stimuli, it is difficult to be "in the moment." 

I have to admit, that for me, this is something that I continually work on because it is tough! 

I believe part of the reason is the way we are taught in school. When my son was younger, there was a continual commentary on his report cards that said "should participate more in class." His report cards were otherwise stellar, but there was always this niggling comment. One year, his dad and I pressed him on this point and said "What is holding you back from participating more? Are you afraid or what is it?" 

His answer was a lesson for both of us. He said "You know, when the teacher asks a question, I hear it, think about what the best answer would be, and then I would be ready to put up my hand. But by that time, it seems that the teacher has moved on. Others have answered with something. So I never get a chance to participate." He had learned to actively listen, reflect, and come up with a contemplated answer, but alas, to late for the hurry-up world. And you know what? We just accepted the non-participation comments after that, because we knew that his approach is something that everyone should adopt.

When someone is talking to you -- a friend,  a member of your team, a colleague, a family member, a partner, your boss, a supplier, your customer, etc. -- are you truly listening to what they are telling you? Are you paying attention to the words they are using, and not assuming that the words mean the same to you, as they do to them?  Is there eye contact? At what point do they look away? What is their body language saying? Is it consistent with the words? And what might they not be saying? There is a reason for the old adage "Read between the lines."

If we could learn to not miscommunicate, I think we will have found the recipe for world peace, don't you think? 

To mindfully listen, you have to understand the total person with whom you are having a discussion. Get rid of what you may perceive that they want to say, or forget about what you perceive to be their reality. Understand their reality, by tuning in and tuning out the rest of what's going on. Don't assume you already know. And probe, ask questions to clarify, to ensure complete understanding. And then answer. When you truly listen, people feel important and taken care of. They don't feel threatened. They feel inspired and empowered. They feel understood. And by the way, it is OK, to say to the person, "this is what I think you are saying." Validate vs. assume.

Miscommunication has tanked many relationships, whether business or personal.

This is an ongoing development task for us all. And it's not easy, let me tell you. I've been truly trying to perfect it ever since my son enlightened me when he was nine and I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be. 

And oh, he is now twenty, and I'm still working on it!